How to Avoid Divorce and Understand Your Wife

Divorce is a very hard and very messy process to go through. I personally feel it needs to be hard and messy. If it were not you probably would not think twice before going through with it. The only problem is that you do not know it is going to be hard and messy until you start to go down that path. Another reason I’m not for simple divorces. They become the by-product of disposable marriages.

What makes me an expert on messing up a marriage you might ask? What experience do I have that I could impart upon my fellow married friends? Let me just say, I have been through this little slice of hell myself. With more than 16 years of marriage the first time, I like many of my fellow married men out there, did not put my best foot forward. I did not appreciate what was before me and made excuses not to be the best husband I could have been.

When I’ve been asked, what broke up my first marriage? The easy explanation could have been that my ex-wife cheated on me while we were married. That would normally be an excellent answer but that is not really the reason. You see, it took me many years of self-analysis and reflection to realize it takes two people to destroy a marriage. In my circumstance, it was a matter of letting my partner down. I realized I had not told her that I appreciated her enough, that I truly loved her. When those things are missing in your relationship, it is not hard to see the other partner either giving up or in my case, finding it somewhere else.

Do not get me wrong. I’m not here to condone her actions. We took a vow when we married and I am fairly sure letting her fooling around was not one of them. She crossed the line of fidelity and she knew it. Unfortunately, when that line is crossed you can not very well jump back to the other side and pretend it did not happen. You cannot undue a mistake like that. Many couples go to counseling when this happens and find a way to put the pieces back together for their marriage. Sometimes it works, most times it does not.

So what advice can I impart upon that couple who seems to have lost their luster for each other? I’ve spent a fair amount of time contemplating this and here are a few ideas that have helped.

First, understand that marriage is work. It is a twenty-four hour, seven days a week job. Any relationship you are in will be this intensive. Get used to it and suck it up. If you want to be in a relationship, you have to spend the time and effort. If not, there is always a cave you could go crawl into.

Second, remember why you married in the first place. Your spouse was your best friend, treat her like it. When all is said and done, when you have grown older and the children have left the house, she is the one who will still be there for you. And you for her.

Set aside time with your spouse. Find time to date again. Hire a babysitter and do dinner and a movie, or just a walk around the neighborhood. Just find the time to connect without outside interference. Talk about yourselves and not the kids. Talk about what interests you and find out more that interests her. Learn to listen.

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